I like black and white. Right and wrong. Good and bad. I like absolutes. They’re easier to understand and to explain. I do not like gray space, gray matter, shades of gray, ad finitum. I’m uncomfortable in the gray space, it’s not familiar – though it should be. I’m here often enough.
I had breakfast with my BFF Ali yesterday and we talked about the ‘mean girls’, you know the voices in your head that tell you, “you suck” “you can’t do this” “you should have never gotten out of bed this morning”, etc… and the next level ‘monkey brain’ that is just pure crazy. Like, “your husband didn’t bring you a present from his trip so he doesn’t love you.” “your boss didn’t say hello, so he’s going to fire you.” “That guy looked at you funny so he’s going to murder you.” Yeah. That crazy.
And how does all this relates to the gray space? Well, I’m pretty sure I don’t suck (at least not all the time) and I can do this (whatever this is), just maybe not today. I can set a goal and reach it. Just like last month where I started with 25 crunches and ended the month with 200. And my husband does love me, he just didn’t find anything that really looked like me. My boss didn’t say hello because he was on the phone and on his way out the door to a funeral. That guy looked at me funny because I said something silly and he overheard me.
I’m trying to be comfortable in the gray space. I’m exploring it, trying to make it my home. It’s not easy. It makes me want to eat cupcakes, go shopping and do other non-productive or damaging things. I’ve been known to go overboard on the eating my feelings or retail therapy. So I ate a Liz Lovely German Chocolate Cake gluten free cookie and cut myself a break.
Maybe I’ll just book a trip to Florida and run away for a little while. At least it will be sunny while I’m in the gray space there…