I’m sorry…

If only Bounty cured everything…  Almost…  And it takes the grease off my bacon, so there’s that.

Sooo, yeah, I’ve been on a 3 week long pity party – committing carbocide and convincing myself that I’m not really allergic to dairy nearly every day.  I’ve eaten everything.  All the food.  Everything.

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I even took pictures of a lot of it.  But not everything, because that means it really happened.  And that means I have to talk about it.  I have a problem.  I eat my feelings.  I hate feeling sad, angry, lonely, tired, hungry, discouraged, scared, oh wait, that all pretty much amounts to afraid of something.  So I stuff it down with food.  Lots and lots of food.  I gained 8 lbs.  Yah.  8.  I lost count of how many pints of Ben & Jerry‘s I ate.  I ate some good things too, but I ate a lot of bad.  I also watched a lot of movies and trash tv.  Maybe by talking about it, I’ll stop doing it.  So here goes…

My Dad is dying.  He has ALS, a.k.a Lou Gehrig‘s Disease.  He was diagnosed a little over 3 years ago and it’s a very slow and scary disease.  There is no known cause or road map with a progression.  It hits everyone differently.  My Dad, he lost his upper body strength first, the use of his tongue and throat.  He speaks through a program on an iPad, he takes all of his nourishment through a tube in his stomach.  And about 3 weeks ago, he went into the hospital for the 2nd time this year with what we thought was pneumonia.  Turns out, it’s just ALS.  I don’t want to go into all of it, but he was in the hospital for a week.  He got better and then he got worse.  He got better and then he got really really bad.  So bad, that I thought it was the end.  Really the end.  And then, someone gave him morphine.  Who knew that morphine could help him relax, open up his airways and allow him to breath and also to take the really horrific treatments that he needed to get the gunk out of his lungs.  He went home a couple days after that, with an Rx for morphine.  But I’m still eating.  As I sit here now, I’m eating this…

Photo on 5-14-13 at 9.02 PM

So here is my photo Journal of the last couple weeks…  I did my garden out front and got some awesome hanging baskets for my porch.

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Yes that is a cement penis in my garden.

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If you haven’t tried these pork burgers yet, I’m going to come find you.

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This is a shrimp recipe from Nom Nom Paleo iPad App.  You have to buy it.  It’s worth it.

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This is an amazing Cuban American Sandwich from this incredible little restaurant with a great story in Winooski, VT.  Misery Loves Co.  Their french fries are equally amazing.  They fry them with sage and rosemary.  Yummballs.

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This is my first vegetable garden ever!!

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I promise I didn’t buy them.  But I wanted to…

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Little Dude had a sleepover party.  I trained them right.  Except they ate all the bacon.  😦

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I refinished some old chairs and gave them new life!

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Up there is a meat plate.  Down there is a gas station birthday cake.

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and then I showed up at work to a plate of bagels.  I ate them.

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Someone I love posted this on my facebook page.

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His pirate name would be Bacon Beard

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Photo on 5-13-13 at 12.51 PM

I just think it’s funny that my coffee cup is larger than my head.  It’s not that funny that I have to wear child sized baseball hats.

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Oh yes, that is diner quality blueberry pancakes with what I’m betting is Log Cabin Maple Syrup.  I ate it all.

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This was today.  I had to drive through Vergennes, VT and got giddy at the thought that Daily Chocolate is just off the main road.  Pictured here are the Lemon Lavender Almond Bark and the Almond Toffee Bark.  I legit only stopped for the Lemon Lavender.

I also drove by Dakin Farms.  I picked up some Ribs and some Bacon Mac & Cheese for din din tonight.

So yah…

Does my butt look bigger to you?

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It’s gooder for you…

I saw this post on Facebook a few days ago and nearly died…

bacon buttered crispy bars

I was seriously considering making them as described, but I knew that would send me into some sort of shock from the crazy deliciousness of it all.  I remember my neighbor mentioning last weekend during our campfire that we could make our own marshmallows so I googled Paleo Marshmallows and got this new blog on my bookmark list…

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and then I subbed out most of the other ingredients for this almost Paleo friendly version of this crazy delicious treat.  As I told Big Dude’s coworkers when I delivered them today to his office, “They’re gooder for you.  I healthified them.”  They laughed until they were kissing my feet at the sheer deliciousness of this crazy amazing creation.

photo-4Here’s the revised recipe:  Next time, I’ll try it with chopped nuts instead of the rice cereal to make it more Paleo.

1 lb of Bacon (or more)
2 lb of DARK chocolate (I had lots leftover, dip fruit in the remainder of the chocolate)
3 tablespoons of ghee or grass fed butter.
6 cups of marshmallows from honey recipe posted above.
6 cups of Organic Brown Rice Cereal (little/no sugar)
1 1/2 cups of softened creamy almond butter

Begin by placing the Bacon in the freezer for 15-20 minutes. Once chilled, dice the Bacon in to bit sized. Pan fry the Bacon in small handfuls over medium low flame. Once crispy golden, place the bits on a paper towel and allow them to cool.

Now cooled, toss 3/4 of the Bacon bits with 6 cups of rice cereal and 1 cup of mini marshmallows.

Using a double boiler, melt town 5 cups of mini marshmallows with 3 tablespoons of ghee/butter. Once melted, fold in 1 cup of softened almond butter. Next, pour the almond butter marshmallows over the dry ingredients. Fold gently until everything is coated evenly.

Line a 10 X 10 or 10 X 12 cake pan with parchment paper. Fill the cake pans with the mixture, then cover the top with more parchment paper. Use your hands to flatten out the top creating an even level.

Place in the refrigerator for 1 hour to set.

While that’s setting, place the Bacon bits in a large bag. Pound it out, flipping the bag over at least twice, creating an even Bacon crumble.

After the hour has elapsed, uncover and square the hardened mixture in to even pieces. Melt down 1 pound of chocolate. Dip the bottoms of each square in the melted chocolate. Space them out on a parchment paper lined cookie sheet, chocolate side down, and let them set in the refrigerator for 1 hour.

After the hour is up, melt down the other pound of chocolate. Once tempered, heavily drizzle the chocolate over each individual square. The chocolate will act as a binder for the Bacon crumble.

Take 1/2 a cup of almond butter and put it in the microwave for 30 seconds. Mix, then put it on for another 30 seconds until it’s soft and smooth. Transfer to a plastic bag and cut the tip off and drizzle all over the bars.

Generously top each square with lots and lots and lots of the Bacon crumble.

Let them set outside of the refrigerator for 2 hours, or 1 hour in the refrigerator.

Best served at room temperature, they’re meltier that way.  🙂

Blogger Fail

Apparently I’m a giant slacker on posting this week! Nor have I been super awesome at taking photos of my foods! I have no idea what I ate all week… But here’s what I do remember…

I made this cartoon…

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I was at a meeting this week where someone had just gotten back from Bethlehem, PA where Peeps are made. You, know those nasty little marshmallow chicks and bunnies that are sold by the ton around Easter time?

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Yah, those. Well, they saw this thing where they put 2 peeps in the microwave and fashion them with little swords. Then when the nuker gets going the Peeps grow and grow and eventually one of the Peeps stabs the other one and it deflates or something. Seriously, they paid money to see this. What the deuce??

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But honestly, I almost want to go buy some of the disgusting little devils and try it out! but I can’t bring myself to do it. Yet… If I do, I promise to make a video and post it. But don’t hold your breathe. In the mean time, I’ll continue to make Peep Show jokes…

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Bow Chica Wow Wow…

Thursday night I made bacon burgers (grind up raw bacon in your food processor or meat grinder and add it to the raw burger, sauté up some mushrooms, garlic and spinach and mush that in there too, then grill) and some guacamole. Add bacon and viola!

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Had a hankering for something sweet and came across this recipe for Chocolate Coffee Caramel Bars and had all the ingredients so I gave it a shot. I jacked the caramel a little and added some maple syrup, cut out the water and halved the coconut milk to make it a little gooeyier.

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I love Juli and her blog. Her stuff is amazeballs. If I meet her one day, I might have to kiss her. These bars were like heaven in my mouth. Huge thumbs up. I ate it watching Archer. Have you seen Archer? It’s the deuce. Netflix it. Or whatever. It’s on F/X Thursdays at 10.

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This week there was a dog that looked like my Polly Pocket Puppy. And by the looks of it, acts and smells like her too. HA. Plus, Archer is hot. For a cartoon anyway.
One other thing I made this week, last night actually, was this Black Bottom Banana Cream Pie. I had a couple of bananas that needed using and was going to a friends house for a girls night and wanted to bring something for dessert. Well, really I had nothing to bring for appetizers without going to the grocery store, but whatevs. It took longer than I thought it would to make and make I messed it up somehow, because the custardy top didn’t set up right, so it was a sloppy mess, but I just topped it with my coconut whipped cream and it was fine! Better than fine. It was good!

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That’s about all I remember. I’ll try to do better this week. 😉

Sugar and spice (not refined sugar you ninny, who do you think I am?)

I actually woke up before 7 on purpose today! I had to go bust down a door before a meeting at 9:30 and take some pics of my newest upcoming listing. Guess what?! It has orange shag carpeting and blue toilets. I’m psyched!!

After I got home and uploaded my photos and did some work, I Googled “Paleo sausage shrimp”, cause that’s what I need to use for dinner and I came across this Gumbo recipe on PaleoOMG and I was like OMG! 😉

And then seriously like 2 minutes later I got an email from nom nom paleo that there was a new blog up, so of course I read it and there was another mention of these Mexican Chocolate Pots de Creme, so of course I read that too. And so it was decided it was Sugar and Spice night.

I didn’t have all the ingredients for the gumbo, so I improvised, but im pleased to report that it was surprisingly easy. More so than the curry I think. And I made the dessert during the simmer times of the dinner. Oh, the gumbo called for a cup and a half of shrimps… I used a 2 lb bag of prawns. I also used that chicken sausage from Costco instead of Andouille and 1/2 lb Mckenzie Ground Sausage instead of the shredded pork. My cauliflower had turned so I skipped that. Put it in the crockpot to keep warm till dinner and went to pick up Little Dude and a friend to go to Petra Cliffs. When we got back the house smelled so amazingly rich with spices I couldn’t wait to dig in!

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Hindsight, I should have added spinach or kale for more volume. No matter, it kicked A$$!! I ate 2 bowls. The only reason I didn’t have a 3rd was dessert.

A note about the dessert, don’t leave it unattended. Mine may have boiled for a minute but it still came out wonderful. I didn’t use her whipped cream recipe though because I just got this iSi whip thing and had a can of coconut milk and a tablespoon of vanilla already chillin, so I gave that a whirl. Holy whipped coconut Batman! I’m in love. It was like a spicy chocolate mousse. I’ll be honest, when I spilled a little during the pour, I totally licked the counter.

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Liz Lovely I’m in love with you.

Today is the Mardi Gras Parade in BTV and I have the day all to myself!!  Big Dude and Little Dude are at the parade with Grandpa and I get to do whatever I wants to do, which absolutely positively has nothing to do with watching a parade and especially not in 30 degree weather.  So I hung out, made myself a Latte with Almond Milk (or 4), made a little breakyfast,

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had a leisurely morning, went to check out a new listing in Essex and decided to get my hair cut on a whim.  I’m not kidding, it’s been like a year since I had my hair cut.  I needed it.  So I Googled salons in Essex and came across Purple Sage Salon and Kristin had an opening in 15 minutes.  YES PLEASE!!  I think she did a great job!

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And, lucky me, the salon is in the same plaza as Sweet Clover Market and I was in the mood for some pulled pork.  I kid you not, theirs is really unfreakingbelievable.  Plus they will serve it up with coleslaw and avacado on the side for less than a sandwich.  Yah buddy.  They only looked at me funny the first time I ordered it that way.  As I was waiting for my delish lunch to be pop up on the counter, I looked around at the racks near the deli and I saw these cookies, and I sighed.  And then I saw THESE COOKIES!!  And I swear, I did a little dance.  Vegan and gluten free??  Chocolate and mint??  Hello heaven… if only they taste just even a little bit good, I can die happy.  So before you call me out, yes, I know they’re still not Paleo.  But really, I’m sure the BBQ sauce in the pork and the slaw dressing aren’t Paleo either and frankly, if I’m cheating, this is a damn good cheat.  Better than the cheesesteaks and cheesecake I could have gotten.  Ohhh cheesecake…  So yeah, back to the cookies.  I almost didn’t eat my lunch and just at the cookies, but I was really excited about the pulled pork too.  When I finally got to the cookies, it was better than I could have imagined.  Really.  I said out loud, shut the front door.  And then I drove to my friend Beth’s work so I could give her the 2nd cookies so I wouldn’t eat both in one sitting.  Cause they’re really huge.  One serving is a 1/2 cookie.  And I already at a whole cookie.  But so worth it.  I now have a girl crush on Liz Lovely.  I want to go cook with her.  Except that she’s vegan.  I need meat.  But I could maybe skip it for one meal…

Oh, cool factor, when I Googled the website for Liz Lovely, one of the suggestions was “Liz Lovely Shark Tank”!  She was on Shark Tank!!  How cool is that??  Represent VT!!  Yea, I’m a dork.

Bacon Bark. WOOF WOOF

Since I was so violently I’ll last week I just realized the the rest of the frosting from those cupcakes was in the fridge, like hardening, waiting for a new lease on life, or at least a way into my mouth. Then I remembered my awesome neighbor, Nicole, made this amazing bark a few weeks before with candied bacon, almonds and cranberries and pretzels. I had the chocolate, bacon, almonds and cranberries, so why not? I gave it a try. I melted the chocolate back down in a make shift double boiler, fried up some bacon, tossed in some almonds and dried cranberries and then added some shredded coconut too.

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There are not enough words.

How the Internet saved my life and those lives of everyone around me today

Today was a day. You know how sometimes you get to tell someone off or deliver bad news to someone you don’t really like? Well today, I had to deliver really hard news to a couple different people, people that I really like, and I didn’t enjoy it. They all took it well and everything will be fine, I mean its Real Estate, not brain surgery, but still, setbacks suck. Especially when we don’t know the answer or sometimes even the right question.
So today, more than ever, I needed a cupcake(s). I Googled (I love that that is a verb) chocolate Paleo cupcakes and came across this recipe. I had everything in the house to make them and they sounded fabaloo, so off I went to the kitchen. I followed the directions to the T. I put the frosting in the fridge to cool while I made the cupcakes. But I couldn’t wait for the cupcakes to fully cool, yes my day was that rough, and I dipped the cupcake in the still warm frosting and took a giant bite. OMG. It was like chocolate molten lava cake in my mouth. I still can’t believe I didn’t eat the while pan.
But now you understand why there are no photos.