WARNING, this blog contains explicit language

Sometimes I impress myself. Dinner tonight was beyond faboo. But first, a little story…
I was on the phone with my BFF Kaye (a trained chef) while I was making dinner. I kept tasting the sauces I was making to accompany my coconut shrimp and she was in hysterics listening to my running commentary of what I was doing and how awesome it was. I don’t know about you, but when I’m in the zone, whether it be cooking, playing a sport or even playing Candy Crush, I get über in to it and apparently I don’t stop taking smack, even if it is only to myself. Some if the things that came out of my mouth while cooking were…
What the f*ck is that supposed to be? That’s not right.
Oh deuce bombs! That’s the tits!!
F*ck balls, I’m amazing.
This is so good I want to drink it. No, I want to take a bath in it. I don’t care if its sticky.
Bitches be nothing but hoes and tricks and this sauce is amazeballs.
Obviously, there’s something wrong with me. I apologize if this offends anyone, but not really.
At least I entertained Kaye for 20 minutes. And have no idea what amounts I put in those sauces, but one was piña colada and the other was mango. Both were the tits.
End result…

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I really need new plates. Apparently mine are all chipped.

Girl Code starts on MTV tonight. I love trying out new trashy tv shows. I need to DVR it though. I’m exhausted. Talking smack wears me out. So does driving all day. I went to Stowe to check out some work done on one of my listings and found this…

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Yup, that deer head is smirking. I almost took it. Almost.

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BOOM PIG

My son loves that song.  Since I saw it on 365 Days of Bacon, he’s been singing it non-stop.  BOOM PIG

I love bacon.  So much.  So much that today, when I was speaking at the Women’s Small Business Program on the Graduate Panel, my friend and the organizer of the class told everyone that I’m bacon crazy.  So it inspired me to make tonights entire meal with bacon.

IMG_0096First the chicken wings:  I made a marinade/glaze out of almost paleo bbq sauce, honey, bacon fat and water.  It was crazy good.

Second the coleslaw:  I may have invented baconnaise tonight.  I started with the nomnompaleo.com recipe for macadamia nut mayo and since I didn’t have any lemons, I subbed with a lime, I didn’t have any dijon mustard so I used yellow and a splash of my maple mustard salad dressing, I used apple cider vinegar instead of plain, and then I realized I was out of macadamia nut oil too…  I grabbed olive oil, walnut oil and some more bacon fat (I keep a container of it in the fridge).  SHUT THE FRONT DOOR!!  I almost wanted to eat it with a spoon!!

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Side note…  Grocery shopping on Sundays is not the best for fresh produce.  I had to buy a bag of shredded coleslaw mix cause they were all out of real cabbage.  FAIL.  Then I made the coleslaw recipe from Anna Nimmity with extra bacon and chopped macintosh apples.  YUMMO.

Lastly, the sweet potato fries:  I plopped them on the pan I cooked the bacon in (if you’re not cooking your bacon in your oven, you’re working too hard!!) and slathered them with some more bacon fat and then sprinkled them with salt and pepper and paprika.  WHAT THE DUECE??  Made a little maple/honey/mustard dipping sauce and voila!

The meal made me feel better for missing bacon this morning.  I was so nervous for my talk at the class that I skipped breakfast, just my morning latte…  and then right before the class was sooo hungry had to run and grab something from City Market.  I was pleasantly surprised to find their egg salad was local cage-free eggs!  And I thought I’d try a muffin from West Meadow Farm Bakery as I’ve had their brownies before and they were amazing, so muffin, yeah.  It was a good ‘on the go’ & ‘best you can’ meal I could do.  But no bacon, so I was sad.  🙂  Just kidding.  Well, only a little.

Difficult

Ha! From that title it sounds like this is going to be bad. It’s not. Well…  I mean I’m difficult. I’m stubborn. I’m a control freak. I’m special like that. So making the decision to hire an assistant for my Real Estate business was difficult, and long overdue. There are a lot of non-money making tasks in my business and some of them are the more enjoyable tasks.  Like going to a foreclosure property for the first time and breaking in and checking out the damages.  Yah, I know, I’m twisted like that.  But I really don’t need to spend a day a week in the car all day driving around taking photos of all my listings, going to town clerks offices and the like.  So while I might be missing out on a little fun and excitement, I know there are better ways for me to spend my working hours.  Now, having made that decision, I feel so much better!  I might actually get a day a week back in my life!!

Another thing about me…  I’m a hoarder.  Kind of.  I cleaned out my pantry of all the junk food, processed food, chips, crackers, etc… kind of a long time ago.  All that food has been sitting in a bag waiting to go to the Food shelf.  I also cleaned out Little Dude’s closet a little while ago (read months) and the clothes have been sitting in a bag ready to go to the clothing bins.  I actually put them in the car on Sunday.  I finally dropped them off today.  Had to flip a bitch to get to the big yellow bin that was at the diner in town here that I didn’t even know was there.  Again, difficult, but felt much better after having done it.

While on the road today, I got hungry, I didn’t pack anything to bring with me because, well, lets face it, dinner last night was not worth a repeat today for lunch.  So I stopped at Minor’s Store in Fairfax and asked for a Turkey Bacon Sub without the Sub.  The dude looked at me like I had 3 heads.  He said, we don’t do that.  Would you like a wrap?  I said no, I don’t eat bread or wraps.  If you give it to me, I’m just gonna throw it away, so I’d rather not take it.  Can you just put it in a salad container?  He said do you want a salad?  I said no, I want a sub.  But no bread.  It took 3 of them to figure it out.  I said to the dude, I just like being difficult.  Sorry.

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They nailed it.  The lettuce served as the perfect plate/for the rest of the goodies.  I’m sure it wasn’t all organic or free range, but it was the best I could do on the road.  The guy I was meeting for my next appt is Paleo too, so I showed him the picture.  He thought it was just as cool as I did.

Pork Chops can be difficult.  I hate to admit that previously I always used Shake and Bake to cook pork chops and served them with applesauce.  Lame and totally American.  Remember that Brady Bunch line?

So finding a new way to cook them has proved fun and exciting!!  I’ve found all sorts of recipes to try, but this one was at the top of my list now that I seem to be loving sweet potato.  I still had leftover biscuits and salad from last night and Big Dude cooked up some Asparagus, and I kid you not, even little dude at the chops (not the sweet mix on top, but the chops yes).  Big Dude and I made all sorts of noises eating it up.  I didn’t even have to eat something for dessert after.  Well, yet…  It’s only 7:15.

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Spring Fever

As you probably gathered by my previous couple posts, I’ve been in kind a rut lately.  After lunch with my BFF Nate today, I realized that it’s only Spring Fever.  Yesterday, it was 50 degrees and the sun was shining.  Today it was snowing, blowing and cold and gray.  Thanks Mother Nature.  HAHA April Fools.  I haven’t been trying new meals, desserts and baked goods yes of course, but not the real deal meals.  I had a new resolve.  Had a lovely salad bar, steak and steamed broccoli at The Windjammer for my lunch with my buddy man and then went off to Costco to fortify my fridge with plants, eggs, meats and the like.  $150 later and an hour later…  My truck was full of deliciousness.

I didn’t really have a plan in place except I knew I wanted to make these Bacon Chive Biscuits.  I threw together a Maple Mustard Balsamic Vinaigrette and used it to marinate the chicken and as a dressing for my tomato cucumber basil salad, I had a head of cabbage that needed using, so I googled “Paleo Coleslaw” and came up with this one, it had me at bacon…

Side note / side rant – what’s up with Pintrest?  I’m not on it.  Call me Old Fashioned (giggle) but I use Google.  I Google it and then bookmark it.  Everyone keeps asking me if I found it on Pintrest.  Do I need to know this?  For real??

Then I threw the chicken in the oven, made up the biscuits and sat down to play some Candy Crush.  I’m totally stuck on level 65.  Once the Dudes got home I put the biscuits in the oven and set to wait again.  Big Dude was talking on the phone when he came in and immediately opened the fridge and started taking the coleslaw out to try it.  To his credit he did offer me the first bite.  It was a hit!  He ate about 1/4 of the bowl while talking on the phone and I sat watching and laughing.

So this is the finished product…

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I will be honest and say the chicken was not very good.  I think it marinated too long.  And maybe I burned the biscuits a little.  Forgot to change the temp from 400 to 350.  But I’ll eat those for breakfast tomorrow with some bacon and eggs as suggested on the original blog!

I also tried to make sour gummy things, from this recipe, but they didn’t go over so well with the Little Dude.  I guess I’ll have to eat them…  I’ll try again some other time for him.

Now I’m off to snuggle that kiddo and watch some deliciously trashy TV.  Speaking of which, did you hear Shain from Buck Wild died yesterday?  I totally thought it was a really bad April Fools joke, but so far, it seems real.  Sad.  That was one of my favorite dirty little secret shows this past year.  It brought out my inner redneck.  RIP Shain.

Mambo (Mango / Gumbo) Get it?

Mangos are hard to find in Vermont.  Especially Red Mangos.  So when I saw them on display in Hannaford today, I almost cried!!  I grabbed 2.  In hindsight, I should have gotten like 6, seeing as how I ate one whole one as soon as I got home.  My precious…

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Just looking at the picture makes me want to go eat the other one right now.  Good thing I’m going to be out near that Hannaford tomorrow morning.  Oh yeah.  Don’t tell me if there’s something wrong with my mangos.  I don’t wanna know.

I made gumbo for dinner for me and hot dogs again for Little Dude.  Except he did eat the andouille sausage out of my gumbo.  At least he left me the shrimps.  The sausage was extra spicy this batch!  And he gave me a piece of bacon.  Isn’t he sweet?

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After dinner, homework and all that jazz Dude wanted to watch Diary of a Wimpy Kid again.  Although they are funny, once is enough.  So I retreated to my office and watched some The Only Way is Essex.  If you like trashy TV like I do, you will love this one.  It’s the British version of Housewives + Snooki & Jwoww + I don’t know what.  Anyway, then I got a hankering for a milkshake.  Then my mind ran away with me.  I wanted a McDonalds Shamrock Shake.  But that’s gross.  I don’t do Golden Arches anymore.  Googled Paleo Shamrock Shake.  Yes I did.  Found and made this one.

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Dude tried it.  Said not bad.  Then he read the recipe that I left on the counter.  He grabbed his throat and claimed I tried to kill him by letting him eat avocado.  He doesn’t like avocado.  Mom Fail.  Note to self.  Hide the recipe.

Sesame Street Cheat

The day started out great, I mean, I had every thing in my To Do list checked off by noon, great! Even ran the self clean mode on the oven with the windows open because it was 50 degrees in VT today! Had some yummo Gumbo leftovers for lunch, and then things started happening and adding to my list. My 2:00 appointment with a propane company for an inspection was a big fat fail, and then someone I’ve been trying to help out for a month told me to stick it where the sun don’t shine. Really?
I still got all my items checked off by the end of the day and made it to my 5:00 showing early and my 6:30 right on time to see my friend T dance her pretty little buns across the street. If I hadn’t been talking on the phone when I saw her, I totally would have recorded it.
I didn’t get home till after 8 and discovered My Dudes were naughty and didn’t eat leftovers or make something new and delish. They got Chinese food. They got me a small sesame chicken. I ate less than half and decided I’d rather eat the leftover creme brûlée. In the dark.

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Now it’s 11:15, my gut is in turmoil and I’m hungry again. Another cheat fail.

Cheat Fail

I love my friends.  They send me the funniest things.  My neighbor sent me this one today.  It’s a good thing she doesn’t have a cat…  cause you never know…

don't wrap bacon

I’m gonna be honest here, Little Dude wanted Pizza tonight and Big Dude was off at the Celtics Game in Boston, so who was I to say no?? At least I said no after 2 pieces.  Ugh.  This is why we don’t eat pizza anymore.  I would post a pic of my food baby belly, but it’s grossing me out, so I’ll save you.  I shoulda had bacon.

Vampires suck

It seriously smells like garlic in my house tonight!!  I made some more Spaghetti Squash with that amazing Bove’s Basil Sauce (disclaimer – there is a mistake as of the date of this blog on the Bove’s website and Mark Bove is working to get it fixed.  There is NO cheese in the Basil sauce.  It is PALEO Friendly) with extra veggies and chicken sausage, but I had a real craving for garlic bread, so I went a-Googling and came across these garlic balls and figured it was worth a try.  OMG.  It’s a really good thing my mom isn’t here tonight because these things are potent and she hates garlic, I mean HATES.  We think she’s part Vampire, but we still love her.  I also made sausage meatballs.  We had balls.  he he he…

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Don’t you worry, I had 2 helpings.  Those balls were AMAZEBALLS!

Wanna hear something funny?  Big Dude was like, “what about vegetables?”  PFFT!!!

Sponge Bob

Monday are like Sponge Bob Square pants.  Either super awesome or super annoying.  Let’s just say I called it quits a little early today.  Easy to do when you’re your own boss.  I had a hankering for some Crabby Patty action.  These little babies are worth the search for good crab in your hood.  I found some gorgeous crabs at Costco over the weekend so I was super psyched.  I got a little lazy with the salad.  But really, who needs fancy veggies when you have fancy pants crab cakes.

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