WARNING, this blog contains explicit language

Sometimes I impress myself. Dinner tonight was beyond faboo. But first, a little story…
I was on the phone with my BFF Kaye (a trained chef) while I was making dinner. I kept tasting the sauces I was making to accompany my coconut shrimp and she was in hysterics listening to my running commentary of what I was doing and how awesome it was. I don’t know about you, but when I’m in the zone, whether it be cooking, playing a sport or even playing Candy Crush, I get über in to it and apparently I don’t stop taking smack, even if it is only to myself. Some if the things that came out of my mouth while cooking were…
What the f*ck is that supposed to be? That’s not right.
Oh deuce bombs! That’s the tits!!
F*ck balls, I’m amazing.
This is so good I want to drink it. No, I want to take a bath in it. I don’t care if its sticky.
Bitches be nothing but hoes and tricks and this sauce is amazeballs.
Obviously, there’s something wrong with me. I apologize if this offends anyone, but not really.
At least I entertained Kaye for 20 minutes. And have no idea what amounts I put in those sauces, but one was piña colada and the other was mango. Both were the tits.
End result…

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I really need new plates. Apparently mine are all chipped.

Girl Code starts on MTV tonight. I love trying out new trashy tv shows. I need to DVR it though. I’m exhausted. Talking smack wears me out. So does driving all day. I went to Stowe to check out some work done on one of my listings and found this…

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Yup, that deer head is smirking. I almost took it. Almost.

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BOOM PIG

My son loves that song.  Since I saw it on 365 Days of Bacon, he’s been singing it non-stop.  BOOM PIG

I love bacon.  So much.  So much that today, when I was speaking at the Women’s Small Business Program on the Graduate Panel, my friend and the organizer of the class told everyone that I’m bacon crazy.  So it inspired me to make tonights entire meal with bacon.

IMG_0096First the chicken wings:  I made a marinade/glaze out of almost paleo bbq sauce, honey, bacon fat and water.  It was crazy good.

Second the coleslaw:  I may have invented baconnaise tonight.  I started with the nomnompaleo.com recipe for macadamia nut mayo and since I didn’t have any lemons, I subbed with a lime, I didn’t have any dijon mustard so I used yellow and a splash of my maple mustard salad dressing, I used apple cider vinegar instead of plain, and then I realized I was out of macadamia nut oil too…  I grabbed olive oil, walnut oil and some more bacon fat (I keep a container of it in the fridge).  SHUT THE FRONT DOOR!!  I almost wanted to eat it with a spoon!!

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Side note…  Grocery shopping on Sundays is not the best for fresh produce.  I had to buy a bag of shredded coleslaw mix cause they were all out of real cabbage.  FAIL.  Then I made the coleslaw recipe from Anna Nimmity with extra bacon and chopped macintosh apples.  YUMMO.

Lastly, the sweet potato fries:  I plopped them on the pan I cooked the bacon in (if you’re not cooking your bacon in your oven, you’re working too hard!!) and slathered them with some more bacon fat and then sprinkled them with salt and pepper and paprika.  WHAT THE DUECE??  Made a little maple/honey/mustard dipping sauce and voila!

The meal made me feel better for missing bacon this morning.  I was so nervous for my talk at the class that I skipped breakfast, just my morning latte…  and then right before the class was sooo hungry had to run and grab something from City Market.  I was pleasantly surprised to find their egg salad was local cage-free eggs!  And I thought I’d try a muffin from West Meadow Farm Bakery as I’ve had their brownies before and they were amazing, so muffin, yeah.  It was a good ‘on the go’ & ‘best you can’ meal I could do.  But no bacon, so I was sad.  🙂  Just kidding.  Well, only a little.

It’s gooder for you…

I saw this post on Facebook a few days ago and nearly died…

bacon buttered crispy bars

I was seriously considering making them as described, but I knew that would send me into some sort of shock from the crazy deliciousness of it all.  I remember my neighbor mentioning last weekend during our campfire that we could make our own marshmallows so I googled Paleo Marshmallows and got this new blog on my bookmark list…

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and then I subbed out most of the other ingredients for this almost Paleo friendly version of this crazy delicious treat.  As I told Big Dude’s coworkers when I delivered them today to his office, “They’re gooder for you.  I healthified them.”  They laughed until they were kissing my feet at the sheer deliciousness of this crazy amazing creation.

photo-4Here’s the revised recipe:  Next time, I’ll try it with chopped nuts instead of the rice cereal to make it more Paleo.

1 lb of Bacon (or more)
2 lb of DARK chocolate (I had lots leftover, dip fruit in the remainder of the chocolate)
3 tablespoons of ghee or grass fed butter.
6 cups of marshmallows from honey recipe posted above.
6 cups of Organic Brown Rice Cereal (little/no sugar)
1 1/2 cups of softened creamy almond butter

Begin by placing the Bacon in the freezer for 15-20 minutes. Once chilled, dice the Bacon in to bit sized. Pan fry the Bacon in small handfuls over medium low flame. Once crispy golden, place the bits on a paper towel and allow them to cool.

Now cooled, toss 3/4 of the Bacon bits with 6 cups of rice cereal and 1 cup of mini marshmallows.

Using a double boiler, melt town 5 cups of mini marshmallows with 3 tablespoons of ghee/butter. Once melted, fold in 1 cup of softened almond butter. Next, pour the almond butter marshmallows over the dry ingredients. Fold gently until everything is coated evenly.

Line a 10 X 10 or 10 X 12 cake pan with parchment paper. Fill the cake pans with the mixture, then cover the top with more parchment paper. Use your hands to flatten out the top creating an even level.

Place in the refrigerator for 1 hour to set.

While that’s setting, place the Bacon bits in a large bag. Pound it out, flipping the bag over at least twice, creating an even Bacon crumble.

After the hour has elapsed, uncover and square the hardened mixture in to even pieces. Melt down 1 pound of chocolate. Dip the bottoms of each square in the melted chocolate. Space them out on a parchment paper lined cookie sheet, chocolate side down, and let them set in the refrigerator for 1 hour.

After the hour is up, melt down the other pound of chocolate. Once tempered, heavily drizzle the chocolate over each individual square. The chocolate will act as a binder for the Bacon crumble.

Take 1/2 a cup of almond butter and put it in the microwave for 30 seconds. Mix, then put it on for another 30 seconds until it’s soft and smooth. Transfer to a plastic bag and cut the tip off and drizzle all over the bars.

Generously top each square with lots and lots and lots of the Bacon crumble.

Let them set outside of the refrigerator for 2 hours, or 1 hour in the refrigerator.

Best served at room temperature, they’re meltier that way.  🙂

Spring Fever

As you probably gathered by my previous couple posts, I’ve been in kind a rut lately.  After lunch with my BFF Nate today, I realized that it’s only Spring Fever.  Yesterday, it was 50 degrees and the sun was shining.  Today it was snowing, blowing and cold and gray.  Thanks Mother Nature.  HAHA April Fools.  I haven’t been trying new meals, desserts and baked goods yes of course, but not the real deal meals.  I had a new resolve.  Had a lovely salad bar, steak and steamed broccoli at The Windjammer for my lunch with my buddy man and then went off to Costco to fortify my fridge with plants, eggs, meats and the like.  $150 later and an hour later…  My truck was full of deliciousness.

I didn’t really have a plan in place except I knew I wanted to make these Bacon Chive Biscuits.  I threw together a Maple Mustard Balsamic Vinaigrette and used it to marinate the chicken and as a dressing for my tomato cucumber basil salad, I had a head of cabbage that needed using, so I googled “Paleo Coleslaw” and came up with this one, it had me at bacon…

Side note / side rant – what’s up with Pintrest?  I’m not on it.  Call me Old Fashioned (giggle) but I use Google.  I Google it and then bookmark it.  Everyone keeps asking me if I found it on Pintrest.  Do I need to know this?  For real??

Then I threw the chicken in the oven, made up the biscuits and sat down to play some Candy Crush.  I’m totally stuck on level 65.  Once the Dudes got home I put the biscuits in the oven and set to wait again.  Big Dude was talking on the phone when he came in and immediately opened the fridge and started taking the coleslaw out to try it.  To his credit he did offer me the first bite.  It was a hit!  He ate about 1/4 of the bowl while talking on the phone and I sat watching and laughing.

So this is the finished product…

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I will be honest and say the chicken was not very good.  I think it marinated too long.  And maybe I burned the biscuits a little.  Forgot to change the temp from 400 to 350.  But I’ll eat those for breakfast tomorrow with some bacon and eggs as suggested on the original blog!

I also tried to make sour gummy things, from this recipe, but they didn’t go over so well with the Little Dude.  I guess I’ll have to eat them…  I’ll try again some other time for him.

Now I’m off to snuggle that kiddo and watch some deliciously trashy TV.  Speaking of which, did you hear Shain from Buck Wild died yesterday?  I totally thought it was a really bad April Fools joke, but so far, it seems real.  Sad.  That was one of my favorite dirty little secret shows this past year.  It brought out my inner redneck.  RIP Shain.

Weekend Update

I took the weekend off from my computer.  I didn’t even check my email on my phone.  I just finished cleaning out my inbox.  It seriously took 2.5 hours.  More coffee please…

We also took the weekend off from Paleo – but not bacon…  Friday night Big Dude and I ate almost a whole deep dish pizza from Costco while catching up on The Americans and The Following.  Have you seen any of those things??  Let me just say, it was worth it.  And if you’re not watching either of those shows, I highly recommend both.  I even got my Dad into them while my parents were staying with us last time.  And I promise, I don’t just love The Following because Kevin Bacon is in it.  😉

Costco Pizza

Speaking of bacon… Have you seen this??  I’m really hoping it’s not an April Fools Joke.

If you see it, please let me know!  If it’s a joke, don’t tell me today.

My neighbor and new BFF Nicole is the manager of Klinger’s Bakery, and sometimes she brings us treats.  Saturday, she brought us a Blueberry Braid Coffee Cake.  I might have eaten 75% of it.  It was soooo good.  Between that and the workout I got at Petra Cliffs, I was out for the count in a serious carb crash from like 4-7 Saturday night.  I had to lie down in bed.  Not sure that one was a smart choice.  I finally got up and went to the store to get the rest of the ingredients for Brunch on Sunday around 8.  Came home with chicken wings for dinner.  I had no energy left to cook real food.

Sunday Brunch was amazing.  We had eggs, bacon, sausage, fruit salad, baked apple french toast and Bacon Coffee Cake with Bacon Caramel Glaze, adapted from this recipe and when I say adapted, I mean I screwed up the recipe somewhere and had to improvise… I forgot to take a pic of the initial meal, but here’s what I had for leftovers at lunch time.

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After that we took a trip to Lowe’s to check out patio paver, fire pits and furniture.  It sparked our fancy for a fire.

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We raided the construction dumpster a few doors down for the scrap wood and roasted hot dogs and s’mores for dinner.  Best Easter Ever.

Blogger Fail

Apparently I’m a giant slacker on posting this week! Nor have I been super awesome at taking photos of my foods! I have no idea what I ate all week… But here’s what I do remember…

I made this cartoon…

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I was at a meeting this week where someone had just gotten back from Bethlehem, PA where Peeps are made. You, know those nasty little marshmallow chicks and bunnies that are sold by the ton around Easter time?

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Yah, those. Well, they saw this thing where they put 2 peeps in the microwave and fashion them with little swords. Then when the nuker gets going the Peeps grow and grow and eventually one of the Peeps stabs the other one and it deflates or something. Seriously, they paid money to see this. What the deuce??

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But honestly, I almost want to go buy some of the disgusting little devils and try it out! but I can’t bring myself to do it. Yet… If I do, I promise to make a video and post it. But don’t hold your breathe. In the mean time, I’ll continue to make Peep Show jokes…

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Bow Chica Wow Wow…

Thursday night I made bacon burgers (grind up raw bacon in your food processor or meat grinder and add it to the raw burger, sauté up some mushrooms, garlic and spinach and mush that in there too, then grill) and some guacamole. Add bacon and viola!

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Had a hankering for something sweet and came across this recipe for Chocolate Coffee Caramel Bars and had all the ingredients so I gave it a shot. I jacked the caramel a little and added some maple syrup, cut out the water and halved the coconut milk to make it a little gooeyier.

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I love Juli and her blog. Her stuff is amazeballs. If I meet her one day, I might have to kiss her. These bars were like heaven in my mouth. Huge thumbs up. I ate it watching Archer. Have you seen Archer? It’s the deuce. Netflix it. Or whatever. It’s on F/X Thursdays at 10.

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This week there was a dog that looked like my Polly Pocket Puppy. And by the looks of it, acts and smells like her too. HA. Plus, Archer is hot. For a cartoon anyway.
One other thing I made this week, last night actually, was this Black Bottom Banana Cream Pie. I had a couple of bananas that needed using and was going to a friends house for a girls night and wanted to bring something for dessert. Well, really I had nothing to bring for appetizers without going to the grocery store, but whatevs. It took longer than I thought it would to make and make I messed it up somehow, because the custardy top didn’t set up right, so it was a sloppy mess, but I just topped it with my coconut whipped cream and it was fine! Better than fine. It was good!

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That’s about all I remember. I’ll try to do better this week. 😉

Seriously?

Sorry its been a couple days! My bro and his GF were here for the weekend and my parents came too making the sleepover party carry to every room!! The cool part is we had enough beds and bathrooms for everyone!! We ate Paleo all meals. I didn’t take pics because they don’t know I do this… And I didn’t want to give it away, but here’s a rundown for your pleasure…
Gumbo, lots o eggs and bacon, spaghetti squash special sauce, krabby patties, chicken curry noodle bowl, Mexican chocolate pots, creme brûlée (fail), bacon bark, liar bars, & Paleo trail mix… I think that’s it. Everyone left by noon yesterday and I was pooped and didn’t get home till almost 6 so Big Dude brought home sushi. Yeah yah, not Paleo. Didn’t care. Still don’t.
So now we’re up to today… Snow day…
Ok, for reals, I know that about 4:00 my brain shuts off. Sometimes I squeak out some extra time doing mindless tasks, but today I was behind because I spent 2 hours shoveling the driveway and maybe I spent a little too much time on Facebook creating a new Avatar so I could make cartoons about me too. Cause we know my ego needs more attention here. Soooo, maybe I forgot to back up a file I was working on and maybe I lost about an hours worth of research and work. Teach me to work past 5.

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Good thing I made that Avatar. She typed sarcastically…
And because it was a snow day for Little Dude, I didn’t get to the grocery store as planned. So dinner was a throw down. I decided to make that Paleo pizza I wanted to try with the dough of the Paleo Garlic Bread. I tripled the recipe. Had to borrow a 1/2 cup of olive oil from my neighbor! I had some bacon, ground pork and chicken andouille sausage. Put some sauce on and then the cooked up meat and put it in the oven for about 40 minutes…

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It smelled sooo good.
Totally stuck to the pizza stone, but tasted like heaven, heavy garlicky meaty heaven.

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And then my neighbor brought over dessert. Not Paleo. So we will pretend I didn’t eat it and I won’t tell you what it was or how good it tasted. Or how my tummy gurgled after. Yah, no. We can also pretend I’m not watching Snooki & JWoww right now.

Berry Good Day!

I was crazy busy today, didn’t really have time to think about what’s for dinner until it was dinner time.  I had some chicken, I had some bacon, I had some herbs, and I had some kale.  That was about it.  It’s time to go to shopping…

VOILA!

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Nothing too snazzy, but it worked and it tasted good!  Then I needed something sweet.  I had some strawberries and some coconut whipped cream in my iSi whipping thingy, all I needed were some biscuits.  I looked around for some recipes but most were all almond flour and I really prefer to use coconut flour.  So I adapted…

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They were a little dry, maybe more oil next time.  But here’s the recipe for you.

Toss 1 lb sliced strawberries with 1-2 Tbsp honey, cover and refridgerate.

Mix a can of coconut milk and a Tbsp of vanilla in an whipping canister and refridgerate.  (jst keep one in the fridge at all times!)

For the biscuits combine 1 1/2 cup almond flour, 1/2 cup coconut flour, 1/2 tsp baking soda and 1 tsp cinnamon with a pinch of nutmeg in a food processor.  Slowly add 3 Tbsp coconut oil until little balls form in the dough.  

In another bowl beat 2 eggs with 3 Tbsp honey and 1 tsp vanilla extract.

Slowly add egg mixture to flour mixture.  Once combined, make little patties with your hands and place on a parchment covered baking sheet.  Bake at 350 for +/- 10 minutes until golden brown.  

*my whipped cream didn’t come out looking as lovely as the last batch, but it still tasted good!

Bacon Burgers, Blisters and Blonde Highlights

Woke up this morning early.  Earlier than I wanted to on a Saturday.  Big Dude was still sleeping, he didn’t get home from Boston until 2:30 am.  The roads were really slushy.  While we didn’t get ANY snow here, Boston got about 12-22 inches depending on where you were.  Little Dude and I made some bacon and eggs and got ready to go to Petra Cliffs when Big Dude must have been forced awake by the super smell of bacon…

dont go bacon

From my neighbor…

So we all went together and had a blast.  I kicked both their a$$es.  Both Bouldering and on the ropes.  Both Big Dude and I have the blisters to show for all the hard work we did today!

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After we got home my BFF KK came over so I could dye her hair…  she won’t let me post photos and I fed her some leftover crab cakes and then bacon burgers and the last mexican chocolate pot.

We’re supposed to go bowling with our neighbors, but we are both too sore from climbing to pick up a bowling ball!!  I’m gonna try to convince them to stay in.  I’m looking at Paleo Creme Brûlée recipes to entice them…  maybe that paired with air hockey will do the trick…